Living and Dying

On July 30, 2008, my father's father died.

Yesterday, nearly a year later, I went to visit my father's mother as she lay dying. Grammy has been suffering from Alzheimer's Disease for several years. Recently, she had a bout of Pneumonia and, it seems, never fully recovered. Currently, she is being kept as comfortable as possible while the inevitable takes it's course.

When I received the phone call yesterday, I struggled briefly with whether or not to go visit her. I wondered, might it be better if I remember her as she was? Also, I am a grandchild, not a child, might it not be my place? I decided to go, among other reasons, because not everyone has the opportunity to be with their loved ones at such a time.

Upon my arrival, things were not good. Grammy was in pain and her morphine shot was not ready. There were others in the room, but I stood at the end of the bed and rubbed her feet through the covers. When the nurse arrived, I left to make more space in the tiny room. A little while later, my father and I went in to sit by her. Soon after, my brother arrived and joined us. She was resting seemingly comfortably with her eyes closed. I readjusted the cool cloth on her forehead and ran a damp cloth over her face and neck. Her skin and hair were still soft and smooth as ever. I whispered to her a bit and kissed her on the cheek before I left.

Maybe it is "inappropriate" to share such intimate details, but death is a part of life that we rarely talk about and I think we should be more open about it.

Sitting by Grammy's bed, she looked so small and I tried to imagine her as a child. Though I know her as a grandparent, there is so little I know about her as a person. I remember her as matriarch, always at the center of family gatherings. Her laugh. The taste of her Lemon Meringue Pie. The woman who took our family in when we needed a place to stay and food in our bellies. Brooches, scarves, and aprons at the center of her wardrobe. Picking blueberries on 4th of July.

I know the story of how she met my grandfather. I know about her sister Katherine (died young of cancer) and her brother Joe (died in the War). I know that she spent her first years in Pepperell, Massachusetts. She didn't get her driver's license until she was in her forties. When her kids were grown and my grandfather retired, she started a daycare in her home for school teachers' children.

So many bits and pieces make up a life. For everything I know and can remember, I wish I knew more.

In high school, I had to interview an older member of my family and I chose Grammy. I want to go dig out that interview.

I wish I took the time to get to know her better. The woman lying in the bed. My grandmother.

She is still with us, but it is only a matter of days. She will remain with us, even when her breathing ceases and her heart muscle gives out. Her heart, her family, still beats strongly. That I know for sure.

Belated

The above is our joint Easter goodie bag from Mr. B&B's parents. Yes, I broke into the Peeps and all their sugary gooey outrageousness already.

We had a very relaxed, grown-up Easter this year. We got to my parent's house early. I prepared vegan pancakes which hubby and dad ate and tofu scramble which people just looked at curiously. The dog tried the tofu, but spit it out after licking the yummy peanut sauce off of it. Then my dad made omelets and bacon for my brother and husband. We hung around and talked current and life events. Mom and I put together Easter baskets. I sliced vegis for dipping and fruit for fruit salad. We all ate some more. Mid-afternoon brought pork tenderloin, potato salad, fruit salad, and macaroni salad for the omnivores and more tofu scramble for me. Very low-key.

Around 5:00 we drove 15 minutes to husband's childhood home to visit with his mom and dad. We spread out on the couch, chatted, and watched the Masters golf tournament.

At home, we wasted no time putting on pj's and heading to bed.

Today Iris the kitty has claimed my chocolate scented bunny for her very own.

Sunday Dinner

Last Monday Mr. B&B told me he wanted a boiled dinner for St. Patrick's Day. He said maybe we could go out to dinner. I told him that probably wasn't a good idea with the sinus infection he was fighting. "How about inviting your parents over for a belated St. Patrick's Day celebration?" I found myself saying. "O.K. That'd be fun!" my husband replied. I called to invite the in-laws who eagerly accepted.

During the week I looked up dessert recipes and settled on Irish Tea Cake, Potato Candies and Dessert Soda Bread (minus the Caraway Seeds).

Fast Forward to Friday. I went to Target for photo frames to hang up some things that have been sitting in a box too long, 2 nine inch round pans, and four beer mugs. Then I stopped at Russo's Market for fruits and vegis. Lemons for lemonade, strawberries to top the tea cake, potatoes and carrots and cabbage and onions were among the most important. Russo's is this vegan's mecca and the prices can't be beat. They have the most amazing varieties of mushrooms (Black Truffles anyone?), but even at the rock bottom prices I haven't yet been able to justify the cost. Some day. Finally, Stop & Shop for the corned beef and everything else. Normally I am a Trader Joe's girl, but the Stop and Shop is right next to Russo's and I doubted Trader Joe's would have corned beef.
Three hours later, I arrived home with my spoils.

Saturday I did all of my baking and prep. of the vegi's while Mr. B&B did a deep cleaning of the bathroom and picked up other odds and ends.

Sunday I got up, cleaned the kitchen, and began boiling the meat. Then I scurried from room to room making the bed, dusting, and sorting piles of my stuff that had accumulated over the week. Mr. B&B and I went through the box of art that has been sitting in our office for the past year. We decided where things should be hung, framed what needed framing, and Mr. B&B kindly hung them up. The last of the Christmas things and a couple of well-sorted, organized bins of things were brought to the basement for storage. I set the table and went outside to gather items for a Spring'y' centerpiece. Half an hour before in-law arrival, the vegi's were put on to boil. Just as I was transferring the vegi's from the pan to the Corningware for serving, the in-laws arrived.

It was a really nice afternoon. Good conversation. Good food. Good people. I'm so grateful for family.

But isn't amazing how three days of preparation is over in three hours?

St. Patrick's Day

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I had Irish Breakfast Tea and oatmeal to start my day.

Happy Birthday to my Auntie (Pa)Tricia, too! I am Irish on my dad's side and, from what I hear, her parents were just tickled when she was born on THE Irish holiday.


Via National Geographic

More Irish Landscapes here.

Secret to Surprise

Not long ago I mentioned a secret I was bursting to share. It is more exciting to some than others, but...

Mr. B&B and I are going to San Francisco in May! This is very exciting because many of my blog friends live in San Francisco. I have also wanted to go to California for a very long time and it will soon be a wish fulfilled.

There are other secrets to be revealed in the near future concerning career path, potential publishing of materials, and even perhaps new members of the family.

San Francisco is a good start though!

Stars in My Mind's Eye

In response to this post by Ruth at Synch-ro-niz-ing.

Dear Ruth,
Amazing... Living so close to the city now I am happy to see a couple of stars and recently Orion's Belt, but you brought me back to days growing up in a small town where the only bright lights I knew were the stars blanketing the sky.
The first poem I wrote when I was 5 or 6: Under the dark are the stars, under the stars is a tree, under the tree is a blanket, and under the blanket is me.

The other place you brought me back to is last summer in Maine where I lay in the grass with my nieces and nephews staring up at the twinkling sky.

Thank you, Ruth<3

The Pink Elephant and The German

Holidays can be tricky. For the past seven holiday seasons, my husband and I have been able to see both his family and my family for both holidays. Our families live only 15 minutes apart so we do Thanksgiving dinner at one house and dessert at the other, same thing on Christmas. We trade off who gets what dinner each year. Last year was Thanksgiving Dinner with my parents and dessert with his; Christmas Dinner with his parents and dessert with mine. So, it was back to his parents for Thanksgiving Dinner this year except...

Thanksgiving dinner ended up being at his Granny's house.

This was a problem because she lives 45 minutes from my parents.

Thankfully my parents were understanding and said, "Just call us on Thanksgiving and we will see you at Christmas."

So, off to Granny's we went bearing Vegan Shepard's Pie (carrots, onions, sweet potato) and my vegan version of Pear Galette. Delish!

We arrived after Mr. B&B's aunt, uncle, and cousin BUT before his parents, brother, and sister. We chatted and began setting things out on the buffet. I must admit chatting was somewhat difficult for me because of the big pink elephant in the room that we were forewarned not to talk about. Everyone knows the "secret" so why can't we talk about it? Why must we pretend? Silence and pretending does not change the facts. I think many families have big pink elephants, so if you need to get yours off your chest, please comment on this blog post. You'll feel better for sure!

Our Pink Elephant? Mr. B&B's cousin, who married in May 2007 (2 weeks after our April wedding), has been separated from his wife for the past four months and divorce proceedings have begun.

Phew... I sure feel better. I mean, I feel horrible about the demise of their marriage, but glad to have typed the truth out loud.

When my in-laws arrived with the turkey, dinner began. My amazing 20-year-old sister-in-law said grace. She has a beautiful way with words. I spent all of dinner talking with her about art therapy, interning at non-profits, alternative medicine, and her recent trip to a Navajo reservation. Oh, how I have missed her! We always try and get together, but our schedules are very different.

After dinner all of the ladies gathered in the kitchen to clean up, divvy up food, and do dishes. Well, Granny was doing dishes, sister-in-law was drying, and others were putting away. Out of the blue my mother-in-law says to her daughter, "Have you told them about The German?" It seems my sister-in-law met a German recently and they are "kind of falling in love" with each other, but he returns home to Germany in a few short weeks when his student visa runs out. "He is smart and cute and sweet, but who knows what will happen so we are just enjoying the time we have." says my smitten, but still sort of level headed sister-in-law.

Before anyone can be happy for her, things go wild. Granny, quite possibly because of the big pink elephant in the room, begins going on and on about how The German probably has other American girls and girls back in Germany that he is seeing. If he is so cute and smart and sweet there is no way that her granddaughter is the only one he is seeing. This escalates quickly and tensions rise. The smitten one is walking the fine line of disputing and debating her grandmother and quite possibly verbally attacking her for her disrespect, inability to be happy for her, inability to recognize her as an adult, and overall pessimism.

Not one for tension, at a pause in verbal repartee, I offered to take over with dish drying. Sister-in-Law accepted. I was left alone with Granny. I talked about my parents having Thanksgiving with my brother, his girlfriend who is on a student visa from Romania, and her brother who was having his first Thanksgiving meal ever. Slowly changing the subject, bringing down the tension... I can do that.

Well, unlike the Pink Elephant, Granny is going to talk about The German. Still heated she tells me she is not stupid and she knows she ruffled her grandchild's feathers. I respond that I never said she was stupid. I continue to get an earful about her grandchild being too sensitive and sensitivity being a handicap. She goes on to say that this time last year she saw her grandchild get hurt by a young man and she just doesn't want to see that happen again. I responded that I understand that, but sometimes, as hard as it is to watch, especially with romantic relationships, we have to let those we love learn by living, learn by making mistakes because sometimes that is the only way for them to grow. At least we both said our piece.

My thoughts didn't go over too well, but the dishes were done and I went in search of my husband. We had a pleasant dessert and departed. My husband and I enjoyed the peaceful ride home just the two of us gabbing and singing to the radio and reflecting on what we're thankful for. Yes, family, no matter how crazy they can be, were on the list somewhere between our marriage and the Pear Galette ;-)

What do you think of Pink Elephants and Germans? Do you have a preference? If so, which one? Feel free to let the elephants loose in the comment section!

Meme Express - Love Calls

Me - A Glimpse at my Inner Child

Whom do you love?
My Husband, Myself, our cat, our many friends and their children, Mom, Dad, Brother Timothy, Sisters Elizabeth and Sarah and their spouses, 2 nieces Lily and Marielle, 5 nephews Jake and Cary and Jackson and Noah and Aaron, my grandparents (all 6 of them), my too numerous to mention by name aunts and uncles and cousins, my in-laws, my parents' dog Crocket, my in-laws' cat Callie, all my "friends" in the blogger world who brighten every day, the family I babysit for.


My Husband Practicing Future Fathering Skills on our Friends' Baby

When did you last say so?
I am saying so now. I say so as often as possible, but I also believe it is important to show your love through your actions as well.

Read lyrics and see YouTube video of More Than Words by Extreme here.


Mom, Dad, Me, and Timothy

Is today the day to call someone you love? Every day is a day to call someone you love. I have really been missing my sister Sarah and her family though. Today is Sarah's day for a phone call or email.


Grampy and...


Grammy.


Grandma and Poppa


Grandpa and...


Virginia.

What is the best way to affirm the ones you love? Listen attentively to what they have to say. Give them your time and undivided attention whether through getting together, talking on the phone, sending a letter or email, or any other means.


In-Laws. Father, Husband, Sister, Mother, Brother.

How has someone best expressed heartfelt love to you? Not in one grand gesture, but in a zillion little ways all the time.


Friends. Tanya and Greg...


Tim, Irma, Brian, Nicole...


Erin and Andy.

Looking for writing prompts? Visit Meme Express.


Crocket the pampered plot hound from Texas when she first arrived and...


more recently. She writes her own column for My Backyard Newspaper here.