Honestly

I am an optimist. I look for the good in every day. I strive for positivity.

Lately, I have struggled to stay optimistic, see the good, and stay positive.

So, I haven't blogged.

My blog is supposed to be a happy place, a positive space. Why infect it with my struggle? Why subject all of you to my darker places?

I believe there is good in everything, that is why. Maybe if I am honest with myself and with all of you, something good will come out of it.

Honestly?

I am three classes and a thesis away from earning my bachelor's degree. I don't know if I want to continue.

After a year in therapy, I stopped going at the beginning of August. I now realize I need it even if it feels like I am going nowhere or wandering in circles some of the time.

I am unsure about everything these days. At least a few tears fall every day.

Still, the optimist in me still gets me up and out of bed every morning with a "Keep trying and it will get better."

Honestly.

Best to Believe

Confession: I skipped Teen Voices Thursday, Tuesday, and Thursday. I was feeling overwhelmed. There were also some things on my mind regarding Teen Voices that I wasn't sure how or if I should express to the editor. Even though I know avoidance is bad, I retreated anyway. Don't worry, I am working it out in therapy! :-)

Anyway, yesterday the editor and I met for coffee near the office. She is a really great person, easy to talk to, and firm, but understanding. I was anxious because facing things I have been avoiding is a major change in behavior for me. I was not afraid or anxious about the editor, but about the change, even though I know it is for the better.

While I sat at the table waiting for the editor to get her coffee, I heard Nat King Cole crooning "Smile" over the Starbucks sound system. I smiled. Anxiety washed away. I believe the universe knew just what I needed to hear and spoke through Nat.

Everything went well with the editor. My role is more defined. I know where I fit. I have been assigned specific work. We also determined an end date for my internship. She's done the same with my fellow interns. With this structure in place, things are already getting much better. After coffee, we went to the office where I completed post-production for the online magazine and began editing my interview with Liz Funk which will be in the May online magazine. I left at 5:30 as per the new rules.

I have learned it is best to believe. Believe that if you are honest with people about your concerns and needs, they will respond positively or, at the very least, be willing to come to a compromise. Believe in yourself and your value and your ability enough to speak up. Believe in the power of the universe, even in the form of Nat King Cole's voice.

Believe what you need to believe to get yourself through the day and a day at a time it will get better.

Bye, bye blues.